Burden? A personal story

Alzheimer's Seasons

1 Timothy 5:4 But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God.”

I remember my mother saying she did not want to live long enough to be a burden to her children.  As I age, I can relate to that statement more and more. I am accustomed to being the caregiver and the prospect of a role reversal is very disconcerting.

In the final years of my mother’s life, my wonderful sister stepped up to the plate and welcomed Mom into her home.  Mom was a widow and even though she did not want to give up the independence of living on her own, she understood the necessity of living with my sister.  Mom terribly missed our dad; they were married almost 60 years. He died very sudden and unexpected and part of her went with him.  She was sad and depressed and began spending a lot of time in her bed and just feeling out of sorts with the world.  Mom began to slowly come back to us and, for a while, started to enjoy life again.

In addition to caring for our mother, my sister and brother-in-law owned and operated a very demanding business.  Each weekend they would escape to their beach house for some well deserved rest and relaxation.  They would occasionally offer to take my mom with them, but she would usually want to return to her own home to spend the weekend. My brother and I both work full-time during the week so we would alternate weekends and take turns staying with my mom at her house.

My brother and I treasured these weekends with Mom and appreciated the one on one time with her. We shared many conversations, took her to church, out to eat, and sometimes drove her around the town where she grew up so she could see the changes.  We would often hear the same stories over and over, but it never bothered us at all.  We just smiled to ourselves and kindly sat there as we watched her face shine as she relived her precious memories.

As time continued to pass Mom began to experience days of darkness. On these days her will to live was low, she wanted to be with our dad and she was sad and depressed.  We believe our mom was beginning to suffer from dementia possibly even early stages of Alzheimer and as this disease slowly progressed it became extremely difficult for my sister to manage on a day-to-day basis. It was hard for all of us to watch this wonderful, loving, caring woman we loved so much become this person we were beginning to no longer recognize.  My sister was becoming emotionally and physically drained and I can only imagine the effort it took to take care of my mom.  After a while it became necessary to put her in an assisted living facility where mom lived for several months. Mom was not happy with this decision, but it did provide her with socialization and a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  We were eventually able to move Mom to a private home right down the street from my sister in what turned out to be the final weeks of mom’s life.  We hired a 24/7 caretaker and my sister was able to see mom several times a day.  Mom was comfortable and happy during these final weeks and died peacefully surrounded by her loving family.  After four years she was finally with my dad.

Was Mom a burden to my sister?

My sister is the type of person who would view her service to my mom as a ministry or labor of love.  M. was an example of never allowing the cares of the world to overshadow the things that are most important—serving God through serving people, especially the people in our own families.  I am forever grateful to her for her devotion to our parents as they aged.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but it is my desire I will not live long enough to become a burden or labor of love to anyone.

Exodus 20:12 “Honor thy father and thy mother: that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God is giving you”